Lost
by dancer4813
Summary: "You can't do this." Her eyes burned with betrayal, begging him to see reason, but reason flew right by him as he backed up a step, shaking his head. "I have to." "No." She whispered, shaking her head. "You don't. Please. Come back." Harry feels overwhelming guilt after the Battle of Hogwarts. Can Ginny show him just how lost he was? H/G romance with tons of angst and near-suicide.


_**Lost**_

**A/N: This is a Harry/Ginny one-shot I was going to submit for a contest at one point. Unfortunately, the deadline has long passed and I now have a sad and lonely one-shot. But never fear! I do believe you will enjoy it! ;) This is rated T for major angst and a near suicide attempt. Please tell me your thoughts in a review! And thanks so much for reading **_Lost_**.**

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Harry trudged down the hallway leading from the Headmaster's study, Ron and Hermione having a whispered conversation as they followed in his wake. He couldn't hear what they were saying, nor did he feel the urge to know their topic of conversation.

The raven-haired teen's mind was swirling and racing with all that had happened and all that he had learned. He felt tired, drained, but he knew that he would not rest until he had found the girl after whom he was searching. Ginny Weasley.

She had been absent from the families he had comforted before his conversation with Ron and Hermione about the events of the evening; she hadn't even been with her family. However, Mrs. Weasley hadn't mentioned anything, so Harry hadn't brought it up.

After traveling down a few flights of stairs he realized that Hermione and Ron had stopped their whispering. He turned and saw them holding hands, staring off into nothing. He grinned secretly, glad they had finally realized how much they were meant for each other. Just like him and Ginny. He hoped.

He had hardly spoken to Ginny at all for the past year and it was tearing him apart.

He missed the quiet conversations in the common room, the evening walks around the Black Lake, the feeling of her lips against his, the feeling of the soft, smooth skin of her delicate hands against his. He missed the hugs and comfort they gave each other after hearing about Death Eater attacks, the warm feeling in his chest that came just from holding her near.

Suddenly he felt the need to be alone, the need to escape from his two best friends, the need to collapse from exhaustion.

"Guys," he said, breaking the silence as he turned to face Ron and Hermione, "I think I might just turn in for the night, head up to the common room." He started walking in the opposite direction they were heading, but Hermione held out an arm to stop him.

"What?" he asked, irritated. He just wanted to sleep.

"Harry, you're coming with us to the Hospital Wing." Hermione stated in a no-nonsense tone of voice. He began to argue, but she cut him off. "No! You are coming with us! I don't care how tired you are, as that's natural after not sleeping for almost thirty hours. I don't care that you don't think you need help, because you do. You really need to see Madam Pomfery and you're coming with us!" And with that she grabbed both his arms and began pulling him toward the Hospital Wing, which was luckily only right down the hall.

Harry was so surprised at her assertiveness that he just let her pull him down the hallway. He looked back over his shoulder for Ron's help, but Ron looked just as surprised as Harry did and only shrugged his shoulders in a 'just-go-along-with-it-it'll-be-better-that-way' way. Harry sighed and resigned himself to his fate as Hermione marched him through the double doors leading to the Hospital Wing.

The many beds in the Hospital Wing were all filled. Cots lined every avaliable space and the only floor visible was a narrow aisle down the middle of the ward. The metallic stench of blood hung heavy in the air, its cloying scent oberwhelming in the close quarters. Madam Pomfery and other Healers with the distinctive crossed wands of St. Mungo's Hospital on their robes swept down the rows, tending to the fighters.

Harry felt a great wave of guilt and despair overcome him, rushing through his ears and causing him to nearly topple over, his sudden trip to the floor interrupted by Ron's strong arms catching him under his armpits.

"My fault... all my fault." he muttered, tears stinging at his emerald eyes. His breath came in forced gasps as realization hit him. He had caused all this. Hundreds lay injured, quite a few fatally wounded and a few dozen dead, laying in the Great Hall, surrounded by their families.

The slightly blurred faces of Fred, Colin, Remus, Tonks and innumerable others he had seen flashed across his vision, causing more tears to fall from his eyes to stain his torn t-shirt and jeans. He heard Ron and Hermione's worried voices as though from a great distance and he realized what he had to do, what needed to be done to make everything right.

He sprung from the ground suddenly, his abrupt change of velocity causing both of his friends to cry out in shock. Ignoring their cries for him to return or the faint yells of Healers throughout the Hospital Wing, Harry ran.

His footsteps pounded against the cold floor, echoing through the empty and desolate halls of the place he had called home for seven years. He knew instictively where to go and let his feet guide him, let himself run on autopilot until he had reached the place he knew he would find peace. The Astronomy Tower.

His pace slowed and all his anxious thoughts disappeared in a rush of peace that flowed through his veins. This is where he would end it - where he needed to end it to absolve his guilt, the only place it would be possible for him to quiet his conscience.

He looked dazedly around at the lightening sky, at the familiar landscape of the Hogwarts grounds marred by rubble, corpses of the fallen and the charred remains of Hagrid's cabin. His eyes fell on the Forbidden Forest, a place where, just hours earlier, he had escaped death yet again. His thoughts turned bitter.

_I'm here to finish what should have ended there._

He caught sight of the old beech tree underneath which he and Ginny had spent many happy hours.

_Before the battle, before all the death._

Ginny's smiling face, her long, red hair, her brilliant brown eyes that shone like diamonds, flashed before his eyes for a split second until it was overcome by guilt yet again.

_My fault, all my fault. No one can help me now. All my fault. All this pain. I deserve it._

He hardly realized hoisting himself up onto the stone wall until he was already up, the wind ruffling his already-messy black hair. It whistled in his ears, drowning out everything else.

"NO!"

The cry cut straight to his heart, a scream of unendurable pain and agony.

He spun around, clinging to the battlements. He wanted his final moments to be in peace and silence. Was that too much to ask?

The sight that met his eyes broke his heart.

_Not now. Why did she come now?_

He didn't want to cause her any more pain than he already had. His earlier thoughts came to mind, days which they had spent together on the grounds, in the castle; but such emotion was quickly crushed. How could she love someone so broken, someone who had abandoned her, someone who had been host to a part of Voldemort's soul for sixteen long years? How could she possibly love someone so utterly terrible to have caused so much suffering and death on his behalf?

Ginny Weasley stood, eyes wide and desperate, lips parted slightly in shock, tears flowing fast from her chocolate-brown eyes.

"Leave." He implored, emerald eyes begging for her understanding, for rest. The gems had shattered, the pieces fallen to the ground with the death and destruction the previous few hours had held.

She shook her head, red hair swishing around her pale face.

"You can't do this."

Her eyes burned with betrayal, begging him to see reason, but reason flew right by him as he backed up a step, shaking his head.

"I have to."

"No." She whispered, shaking her head. "You don't. Please. Come back." More tears streamed from her pleading eyes.

"My duty is done."

She shook her head again. "Not to me it isn't."

He paused, eyes wide.

_How could she love me as I am?_

"You don't understand."

"No I don't." she agreed, shaking her head. "Because if you go through w-with this... this _act_, I'll have to join you."

She took a few quick steps forward, joining him on the parapet.

Harry's mouth was wide, his emerald orbs pleading. "Don't do this. You can't." He begged, echoing her earlier words.

"If you jump, I'll jump." She said seriously, staring him straight in the eyes, silvery tear stains visible on her cheeks.

"You can't. I won't let you."

"And why can't I?" Her deep brown eyes had hardened, a familiar fire stirring inside them. "I have just as much of a right as you do."

Harry was struck speechless for a moment, impressed (against his will) by her argument. His jaw hung slack for a moment more, then his thoughts caught up to him.

"But you have so much to live for, so many people depending on you." He tried to reason.

"So do you."

He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. He swallowed, then-

"No one."

"You can't _honestly_ believe that."

Her voice was so strong, so sarcastic, so normal; that for a moment, for just one moment, he grinned. But the somber and depairing expression replaced the small smile not a second later.

"There's no one." Harry repeated, turning his head to take in the rising sun and the blood-red dawn, still another reminder of the lives he had - directly or indirectly - taken.

"Harry," she said softly, her voice sweet and warm, her flowery scent filling his nostrils. "look at me."

He did so, and before he knew it she had leaned forward and trapped his lips with her own.

The emeralds re-formed, warmth filled his limbs, and the gaping hole in his heart seemed to be filled by the girl- no, woman- sharing the moment with him.

And he realized just how lost he had been without her.


End file.
